“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.