“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.