Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me