Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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Grew big
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD