“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
lmfao
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical