“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”