Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.