Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

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[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting


[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.


Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.


*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…


They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.


Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.


Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.


i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective


My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition


Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.


ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in