Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
mmm onion ringos
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.