[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence