Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

this is funnier than any friends episode

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Bootstraps

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.