Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON