*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
How do dragons blow out candles?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.