*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?