*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?