Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

My current situation

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.