Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations