dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.