dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.