Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks