Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You Might Also Like
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”