Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target