Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Wait a second…
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them