*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
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I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I have two kinds of followers
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents