*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
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my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
waiting for halloween be like:
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two