drew a comic about my origin story
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
fr
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst