drew a comic about my origin story
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?