drew a comic about my origin story
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.