Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*