@BooFricketyHoo

Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.

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@markleggett

HOBBIES INCLUDE:
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak

@marlespo

Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!

@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@_correctomundo

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

@shellenger

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

@RoosterMustache

[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me

@JPLFR80

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

@desukidesu

[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled

@ThaJawn

My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit