I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort