Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.