@BooFricketyHoo

Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.

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@junejuly12

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@bobsin

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@longwall26

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.