Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)