Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me doing my best
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Monday
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.