dril cadence
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!