dril cadence
You Might Also Like
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Covid like
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.