dril cadence
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.