Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)