Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Fun Things

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.