Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

when u come home smelling like another dog

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

You deplete me

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]