Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

adding to the discourse

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.