Drilling for oil is well boring.
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
No one can handle that
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.