Drilling for oil is well boring.
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.