@KKAlThani

Drink coffee. It saves lives. One cup will decrease your chances of murdering someone in the morning.

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@NotthatAdamWest

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

@TheWoodenslurpy

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

@justabloodygame

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

@signalborder

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.