Drink coffee. It saves lives. One cup will decrease your chances of murdering someone in the morning.

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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.


It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.


*scrawls note on deserted isle*
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*


Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.


Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.


Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.


I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha


Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.