8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.