Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Imma just leave this here…………

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”