[at adoption agency]
“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”
*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*
“I just love kids”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The Oscar for best death or dying by a duck goes to.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
ME: I have so many questions
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.