Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy