@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

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@SteveSuckington

[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”

@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@jasonlight73

After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

@BlackJerms

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

@lovemydogduck

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

@KeetPotato

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@DanAaronKing

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.