Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?