Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.