Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.