Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Good morning.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday