Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

cats when you pet them too long:

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”