Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

🪶

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

the composer

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call