Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My wife gives the best headache.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”