Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki