Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
This kinda thing happens to me often
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons