Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
my fav colour is also hitler
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Body by cheese-puffs.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”