Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Finally, a door that understands me

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

I love the honesty

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.