Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I’ve had relationships like this

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”