Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?