Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

😅🤣😂

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.