Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
sensitive skin
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”