Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95