drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Customer is always right
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Why I divorced her.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
