drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old