drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
#parenting
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow