drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
you’re not fooling anyone
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
