ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left