@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

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@HansGrubertron

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

@notacroc

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

@Xoolun

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@wolfpupy

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

@FrenulumBreve

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

@sweetmissashley

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

@KrazykurtKurt

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

@SortaBad

Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.

@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left