Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
