Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Banking tips
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Sir!!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”