Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

Banking tips

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

yeah not falling for this one

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.